I have not been blogging a lot this last year.
I started my blogging journey as a book blogger. I loved reading. Notice the past tense version of this. As I finished my education (Masters of Social Work!!!) and started working a part of my soul changed. I have not been reading. I can’t find my heart for it. Opening the pages or reading the screen has become too much for me. Here is the truth though, almost everything had and has become too much to handle. I had not been watching television or movies for actual relaxation. I would turn something on the television, but it would just be there. My mind hadn’t been able to stop. It would stay in “the day” and “on the job.” My brain would say that I should be watching or reading something to make me a stronger therapist for my kiddos.
I cannot say a lot about my job (confidentiality is still a thing I hold dear), but I am recognizing that I have not found a way to practice proper self-care or process the daily stuff that happens at my job. It takes a relatively strong person to cope with a group of traumatized kids with behavioral issues on a day to day basis. It takes someone that has been there, which I have. It also takes someone that can process it though or knows how to properly. I have not been handling it properly. I can tell that I was starting to lose a lot of myself to it. I had been spending my time at work, even after my scheduled hours. I would also come home and do more work. I was never stopping my mind from thinking about the job. I wasn’t taking “it home” in the sense that every single thing bothered me, but when you are constantly working there is no off switch. It means the mind is never actually stopping, so there was no “taking it home” because I was never “stopping” for it to be taken home. There has to be a break for that to occur. Driving home from work was the only break I was taking and that was more of a change of scenery. I would restart the work once I arrived home. My supervisor told me that work can wait until tomorrow, but when you feel like you are drowning in paperwork that you cannot get done because you are trying to get the crisis of the moment completed it is hard.
There is another larger issue. The larger issue for me is that I lost self-care or relaxation entirely. Hobbies? What are those? I have been going so long at my education and now work that I truly lost any hobbies. Any means to relax. Taking the time to read a comic book at bedtime was the only thing I was doing. Even then, I could not pick a book I wanted to read. Forcing myself into a book club, forcing myself to read what I thought others in my favorite community wanted me to read, etc. I could not get these horrible voices to stop for even a second. Is it my job? Is that why I keep hearing all these voices of trauma? Is there something else at play here that I need to examine? These questions I have about origination of my trauma voices has driven me to want a change in my blogging focuses. I have to be more than just a “book blogger” now. I have to be one that talks about life, talks about trauma, truths, and so much more. I also have to be one that reads and watches FUN stuff. Lighthearted stuff. Stuff that isn’t always heavy, but yes sometimes heavy stuff. I need to also not worry about fitting grammar or other norms to make everyone understand my thought process. In other words, I need to be authentically my own crazy self.
My blogging focus in the past has always been “what does everyone else want me to read?” or “shouldn’t I ask my friend Jackie or others what I should do?” then I wouldn’t read anything for MONTHS! I wouldn’t pay attention to what I was watching because I knew it was something I was just putting on. Only one show recently really engaged with my heart and I will talk about that in another post. It is a show that helped me to really cement that I was no longer healthy, mentally, physically, or emotionally. My blogs in the past have never had a true point or key idea or theme. That will continue to some degree because I am developing my own sense of “fun” and “identity”. This year I am looking to start a focus on self-exploration and becoming part of a larger discussion about the world we live in. I am a social worker at my core. This means I see the world and the issues that it contains. I want that to become part of this blog. I want to start my own thoughts about the world and the issues I see in it. I also need to do a lot of self-exploration. This trauma voice needs to be processed. This lack of being able to feel enjoyment needs to be examined. I need to read things that are going to make me see how to be a better me. I need to watch movies that will help me to become a stronger better me. This is why this blog is going to be focused on my processing life, finding social commentary ways to engage, and being more than just a one type of blogger.
I need help in finding my own voice. I need to figure out this year how to let that voice “scream” if it needs to scream. It becoming whatever tone it needs in the world. Finding my own heart is what this year of blogging is going to be about. Letting my heart grow and be less stifled by the fears and shame that I have felt.
This blog is not about restrictions. This is about finding what I enjoy, who I am, and also engaging with the world. I have not been engaging with the world, except for work. Time to end that. I have restricted myself enough to this point. The central focus is on my own viewpoints of the world, issues within it, and finding ways to keep moving my own life forward. I want to review things that have a message to them, since that is a core part of who I am. Most items that will be reviewed will have a central theme to them that we, or heck just myself, can learn from. This is part of my own true colors learning to shine through!